Ghosts of girlfriends past

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
Cause I’m Mr. Brightside

The Killers – Mr. Brightside

I was a virgin when we meet and when we got together, I knew that Drake was not, I knew he had an ex – someone prior to me. I knew her name but never knew what she looked like, and it was this fear that she would be prettier and better than me that prevented me from looking through Drake’s facebook photos. What if I seen her and didn’t know it or what if I saw her and she was everything I am not?

Part of the reason I knew I was falling in love with Drake or at the very least had feelings for him was because she Megan comments on one of Drake’s statuses about feeling sick and I was urging him to go see a doctor and to take some pain killers.
She commented that he would listen to me and not to her. I was jealous of her and that he would listen to her and then ‘oh my gosh he would listen to me!?!’ mind you Drake made it no secret he had a crush/fancied me, but it took her comment for me to be jealous and wish and hope that he would think of me that way and noone else. I was jealous! as much as I tried to kid myself I fancied Drake back. The proof was the small fact I was jealous which had not happened before except in year seven when I was jealous that the guy in my class I had a crush on had a crush on my best friend.
I was jealous of the way they knew each other and had a history, that they had shared something – I was unsure what but knew that I wanted that closeness with Drake.

Since Megan also had a picture of a meme cat as her profile picture and her privacy settings locked down I also had no idea what she looked like (the only photo of Drake and another girl on his facebook account was at least a good five or so years old and it wasn’t even a kissy type of photo so she could just be a random friend) So I was jealous of what I imagined her to be;prettier than me, a fatphobic comment she had made of one of Drake’s posts meant she was thinner than me, smart, she had shared links  on his wall and in her comments she was witty and funny – sort of the type of girl maybe I could be friends with, but Drake loved or had loved her?!

Drake and I started dating and last year he commented on a photo of Megan (Drake and I were still doing long distance) and the photo had two woman and a guy in it, Megan was not tagged. The two woman both looked normal, average, everyday, they were not models, they were just women the kind you see on the street everyday, they were both a bit chubby (I was – and still am bigger than both).
My little sister who loves to facebook and google stalk I called and asked her to check out the photo and see if she could tell which was Megan and if she was prettier than me.
My sister in only the way sisters and best friends can reassured me that I was prettier (I didn’t believe her as I have low self esteem when it comes to how I look – I act and seem quite confident, on the inside I feel like an ugly hideous beast) and that regardless of what Megan looked like Drake loves me and is dating me, she is in the past. Ah little sister can be smart sometimes 😛
And so I gave up on that of thought and jealousy that Megan was and is some goddess from the heavens and that I should cower in her shadow.


So just prior to going away and whilst having a touch of the flu which kept me awake and made sleeping difficult I was thinkin about Drake and was curios to how many sexual partners he had had. The debate in my head raged a bit and I asked him whilst he was asleep. Which I tend to do I ask asleep Drake questions before I ask awake Drake in a weird roll play to try to word things and get it right.
So as we were laying in bed one night just after I had turned of the light I asked Drake and he said two others, and I confirmed so I was/am his third and he said yes, then I asked if Megan was his first, no.
I wanted to do a happy dance as silly as that sounds. I know that Drake being my first serious boyfriend that sometimes I do not have that prior experience to draw from. But I did not want it to be Megan that he lost his virginity to as silly and stupid as it sounds.

I know that love and relationships are not a compertition and I know sometimes in my head I sound competitive of Megan which I try not to but for me she is the ex girl friend and the one Drake broke up with a few weeks or a month prior to meeting and falling for me, I don’t want to be a rebound He means too much to me and I love him more than I can put in to word.
Rebounds to me damn stereotyping are the relationships that don’t work.


– Alyce 23rd May 2014 5:37 am


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